Aye, the end of days comes not in a sudden moment or incoherent instinct. but with a calm mind and steady hand. it isnt a freak of nature of a coincidental happening its the effect of an unknown cause. john wayne once said soemthing to the effect of "to kill a man is to put an end to everything he was and everything he'l ever be". Indeed not something to be taken lightly, unfortunatly the media portrays most killing as just and epic. But when that question is inflexive, it carries the same truths. To the one will who walk no more and whos journey will cease, the end of days is an inevitability. His life has drained him of life, and the only motivation to perpetaute the painful existence, is in the hope that he will be of use to someone someday. Indeed he is of much use, unfortuantly he is weak and cannot even support his own mind.
Revolution and great works of literature can only happen under the gravest of circumstances. As the novel "Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley, illustrates. If a civilization is happy all the time and content, there is no desire to create, no desire to change or challenge, and no strong emotions can break the pudding skin of the dismally thick and trapping maw; that is the earth.
What a grave injustice that he seeks to serve, and yet he cant escape the stupid and pitiful need for acceptance or love. The thought of his dead father burns a whole in his mind stomach and heart, only filled by boss and provider. There is no love in his house, there is no care or warmth, there is only assignments. They would sooner wake him from a sleep hes spent all night achieving to fix their most petty of problems.
When his life and emotions are weighed on a whole, it comes down to strength and courage. He doesnt have the strength and courage to endure and to overcome. He only has the strength to give his life for a stranger for the small chance, it wouild somehow bring them happiness. If problems could be solved through human sacrafice he would cut his own skin and drain himself to the point of death, only to do it again if it would help. If it were possible he would drain all of his blood but the most vital amount and donate it to the blood banks, for what other use could he be. none.
And it comes back to the analogy of the end of days. As ive previously said it isnt sudden, it isnt surprising. It was inevitable, and comming his entire life, it is his destiny as soem would say, and in this great time of sorrow, he isnt saddened by the ending of a life, but the absence of the love he sought his entire life. The love he knew only from his father, who will never FUCKING EVER be back. And the one simple thought reduces him to a sobbing mess on the floor of the bathroom, every fucking night. Then the phone rings, and he gets his orders to go wipe a puddle because its an eyesore to his master. Even his own mother comes in while he is reduced to a quivering pile of shit on the ground, and all she can fucking say..is to get some snow clothes on, and go do your chores. Tears running of his face and blood from his arms, and her only concern is the precious work. Then he is yelled at for crying, she says there is something wrong with him and we will talk about it later, after the work is done. She doesnt say it in a kind or caring way, but in an angry and punishing way, because he isnt doing what he is ordered quick enough. The end of days is indeed an inevitability. The wounds from his previous transgressions ripped apart and dripping blood are known only to him, and the pain one feels as skin is torn apart by sheer force, is but a dim light in the darkness of his thoughts.
or as you may better know it,
My worst fears are indeed comming to pass, even tho they were promised not to
And now i must go. To obey the orders.