reading old entries

i was just reading a bunch of my old livejournal entries... a couple of things i noticed.. my spelling and typing skills were terrible.. and apparently.. i didnt care? lol. it was so hard to read most of it. but there are a select few who could translate. sam once said mattiense... or however she spelled it... im still not to much better.. but i care more now. and use backspace every now and then.. the other thing i noticed is holy shit. most of my entries were extremely dark. and everyone was nice and posetive anyways. i don know. reading back on those i really appreciate it. i also relized how rediculous i was. and at times reallllly stupid. i dont want to say to much cuz it will upset people but. i don know. in short. hello everyone again. i wont disregard legibility in entries and i wont make dark posts anymore.. altho some of the short stories or "poems" that i wrote. i thouht were pretty good.. but saying the word poem is certainly not gay.. just sayin.

That is all.

(no subject)

where trouble melts like lemon drops, high above the chimney tops. thats where you'l find me. ehhhh? lol.. its somewhere over the rainbow. i found a version by israel kamakawoole. i dont know if thats the right spelling. but its quite powerfull. its also on the end of 50 first dates. it fits so well at the end of that movie. the song at the end made my allergies act up. but its a great song. and.. it makes me so pensive and thoughtful. his voice is quite nice. with bitpim. now i can make my own ringtones out of my fav songs for free.. its hella tight. i just read through a bunch of livejournals. lookin for a certain person's.. hmmmm.. perhaps she doesnt have one.. curiosity killed the cat. and i watched and learned....aye.. i have a rather large problem right now. but i cant say anything about it. cuz its secret. but... yea... there is only one thing i can do.. unfortunatly..its one of those decisions that changes the course of your life from then on. and yea. that can be said about alot of things but. anyways. its going to suck ass doing what i have to do. even tho i already kind of did it? it didnt work very well. and.. backfired actually.. but is that music? or am i just hearin things.. brb... fuuck.. i was just hearing htings lol.. i do that ALL the time... aye... i think i am tired.... but i realllllly messed up tonight.. i took my zoloft.. whitch makes me more awake.. instead of the sleeping pills.. that make me sleep... so yyea... then i took the sleeping pills to counter act the zoloft for tonight.. but because they are both in the same family of SSRI's they actually synergize. and ont he emt side of life.......... im still waiting on stupid paperwork.. it takes like a month for the whole application to go through.. but also!!! i wanted to put this down here to see ifany one would actually read it. I started talkin to an old friend of a friend again.. annnd guessssssss what.. shes studying to become a nurse!! AND she has verizon... so ya.. its like an EMT's dream come least this emt's dream... aye.. anyways... i am going to make a bet with myself.... ok.. if anyone reads this far down.. and comments... then...i will not go out to eat monday night... if no one comments and the sadistic side of me wins. then i will go out. now this one is the real kicker. if the one person on my friends list on here. who knows who i am talking about. responds to this entry. and specifically about said verizon customer.. then i will give dinaz free webhosting for a year... so dinaz.. you should try to track that down. cuz i am DEAD serious. fer shizzel.. mkell signing out
  • Current Music
    israel kamakowoole-- somewhere over the rainbow

sweet deal

awesome!!! i passed my NREMT test. so now i am a nationally registered emergency medical technician. what it do! i get to order special things for NREMT only. and one of them is that sweet sticker. I am going to put it on my truck. along with my eagle sticker. Then i am going to get a patch that is similar. So I can put it on my boy scout uniform. And also. My eagle court of
honor is this sunday. its alex's too... and if i am not mistaken.. i think dinaz and zubin are coming to it? man i hope so. i lost zubie's number when i got a new phone. And then cuz jaide and i were not talking for a while. i couldnt get her address... then i just forgot.... ughz... well.. my fault.. i think we already invited too many people as it is too... aye well.. we shall see.. mkell signing out


I am in a really good mood tonight. and it isnt a particulary fantastic night. I just love death cab for cutie. i am listenting the manhattan one. but the head phones i am wearing make it sound incredible. I am so anxious, i cant start working as the medic for football till i get my national results. whitch are way late so far... uggggh... i want to start working... i have too much time to do nothing. amanda suggested i clean my room today and she helped me.... once i get goin i can get it done pretty quick... its just gettin started that is hard for me....hmmmm... interesting.. i just applied the same principle to my life. I have no idea what to do to find a girlfriend, i think if i have a girlfriend or anything like that i would probably do well with her. but its finding a female.. the prospect is so crazy... i have never gone out to look for a girl.. how would i even approach a girl? i have no idea.... with jaide.. we had talked online and stuff. then arranged a meeting...with chelsea.. (ugh) she flirted rediculously. and... ugh.. ugh ugh... aye... moving on. with tycie. all of my friends knew her.. so whenever she came in. i commented that she looked good.. and they hooked us up.. oh wells.... i got death cab for cutie.. im not worried....well.. how awesome that i can finally make a posetive entry in my live journal.. about time son... about time... well i am going to go play some counter strike. fy_iceworld2k you know how we do!


Well then... Eh i havent written in the old live journal in a long time. i doubt anyone reads it anymore... but whatevs.... it helps me... i started to listen to a lot of motion city sound track and death cab for cutie lately...i really like em alot. and i got the song 'i will follow you' for my ringtone. The first words in the wong are 'love of mine, someday you will die, and i;l be close behind to follow you. into the dark' i love that line.. sends waves through my body whenever i hear it.. i say waves not the chills because it sends warmth through my body as well as the chills.. i get the warmth from the prospect of knowing that kind of love again. and the chills are from the remnants of that kind of love.... Today has been a kind of bad day... i just started taking my zoloftagain. and its really good.. love of mine.. someday you will die. but i'l be close be hind to follow you into the dark..... love that song. anyways i forgot today tho and you cant really miss in the begining... whatevs... still waiting on the reults of my EMT test. i hope i passed.. i was the first one to pass all the practicals... that was cool....waiting for my debt card too. oh wells.. other thant hat everything is going great. .. till i get my results i just spend my days working out while watching star trek. and reaserching paramedic colleges. in case i did pass.. then i can work for priority one. and start medic school....ehhh... so now i am just waiting.. i just get lonely lots of times... then see robby and his female.. and it makes me wish for that. well... mkell signing off

eh.... ya huh

well..... i took my sleeping pills about 3 hours ago.. and they are kickin in now.. so this should be a pretty fun entry. dianz said that ishould update my journal de live. so i said... ya huh..... jk i actually said.. then here is the entry.. ta daaaaaaa... yeah have completed all of my high school goals.. graduated. got eagle scout. and became an EMT... so.. so far things are going well.. to whom it may concern. i am mobing back to fremont on the 5th of august... o para los hispanolas. el cinco de augusto. then i will ve at camp royoneh as the camp medic for two weeks. yayay yaya..... ok.....shiiit... time to pass out.. k see ya..

the end of days

Aye, the end of days comes not in a sudden moment or incoherent instinct. but with a calm mind and steady hand. it isnt a freak of nature of a coincidental happening its the effect of an unknown cause. john wayne once said soemthing to the effect of "to kill a man is to put an end to everything he was and everything he'l ever be". Indeed not something to be taken lightly, unfortunatly the media portrays most killing as just and epic. But when that question is inflexive, it carries the same truths. To the one will who walk no more and whos journey will cease, the end of days is an inevitability. His life has drained him of life, and the only motivation to perpetaute the painful existence, is in the hope that he will be of use to someone someday. Indeed he is of much use, unfortuantly he is weak and cannot even support his own mind. Revolution and great works of literature can only happen under the gravest of circumstances. As the novel "Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley, illustrates. If a civilization is happy all the time and content, there is no desire to create, no desire to change or challenge, and no strong emotions can break the pudding skin of the dismally thick and trapping maw; that is the earth. What a grave injustice that he seeks to serve, and yet he cant escape the stupid and pitiful need for acceptance or love. The thought of his dead father burns a whole in his mind stomach and heart, only filled by boss and provider. There is no love in his house, there is no care or warmth, there is only assignments. They would sooner wake him from a sleep hes spent all night achieving to fix their most petty of problems. When his life and emotions are weighed on a whole, it comes down to strength and courage. He doesnt have the strength and courage to endure and to overcome. He only has the strength to give his life for a stranger for the small chance, it wouild somehow bring them happiness. If problems could be solved through human sacrafice he would cut his own skin and drain himself to the point of death, only to do it again if it would help. If it were possible he would drain all of his blood but the most vital amount and donate it to the blood banks, for what other use could he be. none. And it comes back to the analogy of the end of days. As ive previously said it isnt sudden, it isnt surprising. It was inevitable, and comming his entire life, it is his destiny as soem would say, and in this great time of sorrow, he isnt saddened by the ending of a life, but the absence of the love he sought his entire life. The love he knew only from his father, who will never FUCKING EVER be back. And the one simple thought reduces him to a sobbing mess on the floor of the bathroom, every fucking night. Then the phone rings, and he gets his orders to go wipe a puddle because its an eyesore to his master. Even his own mother comes in while he is reduced to a quivering pile of shit on the ground, and all she can fucking to get some snow clothes on, and go do your chores. Tears running of his face and blood from his arms, and her only concern is the precious work. Then he is yelled at for crying, she says there is something wrong with him and we will talk about it later, after the work is done. She doesnt say it in a kind or caring way, but in an angry and punishing way, because he isnt doing what he is ordered quick enough. The end of days is indeed an inevitability. The wounds from his previous transgressions ripped apart and dripping blood are known only to him, and the pain one feels as skin is torn apart by sheer force, is but a dim light in the darkness of his thoughts. or as you may better know it,


My worst fears are indeed comming to pass, even tho they were promised not to

And now i must go. To obey the orders.

  • Current Mood
    peaceful peaceful


eh...i havent posted in a long time..i was writing an away messege and i was rambling in it, then i remebered how i used to ramble in herr and made me feel better sometimes..or at least i could look at what i was htinkin and try to understand a whiner that kid is eh ha ha on know man...for some reason im obsessed with i always im other people and never do they im me...i don know why so mcuh but i always think about it..i wonder why cloud city is in the clouds...if i remeber right..i think it has something to do wiht besbin..and...there not being ground or something...i dont know..bbut then it says that they have a big mining onknow...weiiird..anyways...depressed as usuallz....someone said theo ther day like always say lol and add zs..well yea...thats cuz people adapt...and i complain hella and yea..annnyways..thats all this is...oh yea..hey im in hayward right now so if anyone wants to get together or stuff..lemme know man..cuz i havent done anything all day or all day yesterday...i got money today now i can take bart places

stolen from sam

i took this from sam's i feel like SHIT lol..females can put you in a bad place sometimes..or certain females as sean told me..and need to be careful what kindof music you lsitin to damnien rice is defiantly not the kind to lsitin to in that situation..anyways..comment and tell me how youg uys are doin..i dont get the chance tot alk to most of you
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  • Current Music
    Damien Rice -- I Remember